The topic on metta and self love came about when there was question posted in the forum on what happens to a Buddhist who has taken the vows but commits suicide? This is a question that is thought invoking and truly deserves our attention.
My opinion was that one must have reached a point in life where he or she believed that suffering and pain has reached beyond their ability to bear, having reached such a decision. To that effect, he or she has not realised the Teachings of Buddha and the action of suicide only serves to imprint the last thought before death as a thought of suffering. And if one is to believe that there is re-birth and due to the strong kamma of the last lingering thought before death, one will be most likely to be reborn in a place of suffering regardless whether or not the vows were taken. Of course, the sense of guilt will be stronger for a person who has taken the vows, resulting in the last thought to be even more negative, causing further suffering.
Before one reaches the point to even contemplate about suicide, we should constantly remind ourselves in the interdependency of all phenomenon. The truth is that our actions affects not only ourselves but also our loved ones, friends, communities and if you can believe, the world. The fact is, we do not live alone. If one commits suicide, we must understand that the loved ones of the one committing such an act will be devastated and they will have much suffering to bear for the actions of one committing such grave acts. If we truly love our loved ones, how can we even bear to entertain such thoughts allowing them to bear the consequences of our unwholesome actions?
One may then raise a point, what if our parents have passed on and with no close confidants, does that provide a more compelling reason for one to consider or even commit suicide? That is to say that one believe that there is no one who will feel sad or devastated if we were to pass on. The only repercussion is that people will feel shock momentarily or just disgusted about this happening in their vicinity, probably worrying about the decrease in the value of their property due to bad publicity. Otherwise, it is only the effort of requiring public resources like police, coroner and undertakers to handle and close the case formally.
For that we have to work on the basis that life is precious and all beings are equal in their pursuit for happiness. When someone contemplates suicide or chose to hurt themselves, in a matter of fact, they are seeking happiness although it may be very self-deluded. If possible, there is no one who will wish for pain and suffering in life. But when the mind is unclear and clouded, we can sometimes make the wrong call or judgement, committing actions which we believe will end our suffering. Suicide, self-mutilation are some of the actions that people make when it comes to such times.
With the thought that life is infinitely precious and all beings are equal, it does not make it anymore compelling for any person to consider suicide just because their loved ones are not around. However, we must admit that there is most likely lesser support for someone who does not have their loved ones around them, making it easier for them to sink deeper into depression and ultimately reaching such decisions.
Let's bear in mind that when someone commits suicide, he or she has not realised the Teachings of Buddha and in this case, has not realised the 4 sublime states of the mind, metta (loving kindess), karuna (compassion), mudita (sympathetic joy) or upekkha (equanimity). In specific, metta is the state of mind that should be stressed on in this particular discussion.
Buddha has taught that metta should be cultivated towards all beings just like the unconditional love that a mother has towards her only child where the life of her child is just as important to hers. When Buddha mentioned all beings, it includes ourselves. We must not forget to love others as equally as we love ourselves and to love ourselves as equally as we love others. Here is a quote from Master Thich Nhat Hanh on the importance of self love.
"In taking good care of yourself, you take good care of your beloved one. Self-love is the foundation for your capacity to love the other person. If you don't take good care of yourself, if you are not happy, if you are not peaceful, you cannot make the other person happy. You cannot help the other person; you cannot love. Your capacity for loving another person depends entirely on your capacity for loving yourself, for taking care of yourself."
If one is to believe in the subject of rebirth, knowingly that committing suicide will only result in more suffering in the next rebirth, then in the spirit ot metta and self love, that itself can be one of the most valid reasons not to commit such an act.
Let's also not forget the benefits that metta can bring. If we can cultivate ourselves constantly with metta, we will naturally be loving and generous in our ways (thoughts, speech and actions). One of the many benefits of being generous and loving is that people around us will naturally be attracted to us. Of these people, there are definitely some that will be worthy of our companionship. We can then seek to foster a friendship that could last a lifetime providing the support that is not in anyway lesser than those that could be showered by our own family members.
When it come to developing metta, most of us will find that it will be near impossible to develop it overnight to the state where we can reach out with unconditional love for all beings, we may not even be able to do it in this lifetime. Those who are able to are usually the ones who have in their previous lives cultivated great merits enabling them to be born in conditions where it allows them to do so. The rest of us will find that it is a lifetime (or even countless lifetimes) journey of cultivation.
As most of us have yet to perfect metta and our love are mostly conditioned, it is important for us to start the embarkment on this lifetime journey of learning and practice. While practicing, we must always remember that happiness comes from within and not without. As an old Tibetan saying goes, "Seeking happiness outside ourselves is like waiting for sunshine in a cave facing north." So, let's start by cultivating self love which is the first basic exercise of metta meditation which generally starts with the following four exercises in sequence.
1) Love for ourselves
2) Love for someone we like
3) Love for someone we are neutral to
4) Love for someone we dislike
One may then raise another point, what if a quick relief is needed and we all know that metta meditation requires time and effort to bear fruits. In that case, we have to understand that for the person suffering, the people (families, friends, communities and Sangha) around him or her can provide immediate relief, support, concern and care making one feel better. He or she may also seek a doctor to have medication prescribed for temporary easing of the symptoms.
But again, we must understand that this is temporary. Ultimately, one has to realise that true happiness comes from within and not externally. So, if he or her continuously dwell on their pain and do not break off from the vicious cycle, then one is likely to be trapped within no matter how much relief and support is provided. Both must work hand in hand for the best results, self determination to be well and happy and support from the communities, lacking of either will make it very much harder although we cannot say it is impossible. And if i remembered correctly, Master Sheng Yen once mentioned that pain is unavoidable in life but suffering is not and suffering is our mentality towards pain.
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