Egoistic 2014

In "The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying", Sogyal Rinpoche wrote about Ego, how it traps and deceives, causing us to suffer endlessly in this Samsara state. For the last 2 days in 2014, i have contemplated and came to realised how much truth there was in Rinopche's writings, chapters he touched on the subject Ego. 

Ego comes in many forms and manners, but its underlying issue stems from ourselves, how we view ourselves and the world around us. When we are not able to see past our pride, our attachments, our "self", ego has a easy time convincing us that we are "better" or "higher" in the material sense of world, giving us a false sense of inflated self. When that happens, it hinders our development, both in character and spiritually.

Earlier this year, i had a change of portfolio in work, the third in 3 years working for this department. It is not common to have a constant change of portfolio when some colleagues in the department went without much changes in their scope of work for years. I believed it was a recognition of my abilities, comparing to my peers, my bosses had a view that i will be able to undertake the tasks involved more effectively.

My pride in work and this inflated self was further boosted when my department head said during the half year review that he could not see any other who could have done it better. He needed someone strong from the team to handle the changes and he saw me as one of the senior guys (among those who held the same corporate title), making me by far the best choice.

How my pride and inflated self burst during the year end review that i was in fact compared to the "junior members" of the team who were considered to be the same generation as myself. Owing to such a comparison, my performance for 2014 was considered outstanding. Most people would have been very happy in my stead to receive such praise from their managers, saying their work was outstanding. But i felt no such thrill, no such jubilation at what i heard.

I realised the lack of joy was because my inflated ego had made me believed that there was a need for me to perform much more, at a higher standards so that i can be measured against whom i considered to be the more "senior" colleagues. At that point in time, i would have felt better receiving a lesser rating. I had such an egoistic view that a lesser rating among the "seniors" was much better than an outstanding rating among the "juniors".

As i reflected on my feelings and meditated on it, the more i realised how false this ego and self is. This "senior" and "junior" view was simply how biased and subjective i viewed the work around me, making me trying to live up to phantom standards that were not there in the first place, prompting me to recall a story about a car salesman and his index of happiness that Bhante told us during a Dhamma talk - you can read it here

I do not see this experience negatively. Rather than let this ego inflate further by false praises and expectations, hindering spiritual and character development, it is better it burst, allowing me to reconsider my priorities and expectations, walking towards a better 2015 and beyond. 

With this, i end 2014 and wish whoever is reading this post a very Happy New Year filled with much joy and happiness.